Misadventures of &##%@&!*$

As I sat at Austin's sixth grade graduation this evening, I was forcibly reminded of his first day of preschool. I had many misgivings about sending my young son to preschool. We had never been separated on a regular basis before and our worlds revolved around each other. What if he wasn't ready for the cold, cruel world? What if the world wasn't ready for him? Eventually, however, I realized that I had to loosen my choke hold and let him go.

Reluctantly, I left my boy at school and took his sisters home where we waited with bated breath for his return and the account of his first day in the wild (preschool was taught inside one of the local elementary schools in which he might encounter "Big Kids"). I remember sitting in the rocking chair, rocking the baby, as I listened to his tale (which mostly consisted of "fine"s and "I don't know"s). While we were talking, he fell off of his bed and landed on his backside on the floor. "Ouch!" he exclaimed, "I fell on my thing that starts with an "A" ". Shock and horror filled my mind! He had only been in school for one day and already he was referring to his backside as his "thing that starts with an A". Never before had he used (or even heard) such language. I had sent my son out into a corrupt world and would now be reaping the consequences of that decision. With great trepidation, I asked him to explain what he meant by "his thing that starts with an A". He responded, "You know, Mom, my alligator" and he lifted the large, plastic alligator that he had landed on when he fell. Apparently, they only covered animals that start with an A on the first day of school.

Misadventures of Life Hacks

Life hacks seem to be a big thing right now. Since I spend most of my time foundering, I wouldn't presume to give an adult any life hacks. I do, however, have a few life hacks to offer to my children:                          

1. If you hide the evidence by cleaning up after yourself, you'll get away with a lot more.

2.  If you do something the first time you are asked, the need to keep asking you disappears.

3. If you want to use Mom's possessions, don't throw a huge tantrum when she asks you to do something.

4. Mom can go from zero to crazy person in under 3 seconds, don't cook a quesadilla or a hot pocket a half hour before dinner time.

5. If you refuse to work on your homework when help is cheerfully offered, don't be surprised to find yourself doing homework by yourself.

6. When Mom offers to wash your clothes if you will bring them out, do it. Otherwise, your Saturday is likely to be filled with laundry duties.

7. Don't expect Mom to back up one of your, "Mom says....", while Mom is still waiting for you to do what she asked you to do.

8. When Mom or Dad ask if you have brushed your teeth, they mean recently.

9. When Mom is singing, "Count Your Blessings",it means that you need to run, fast.

10. Mom turns from Jekyll to Hyde at 8:30. It is in your best interests to conclude your business with her before that hour or be prepared for the consequences.

Misadventures of Super Powers

 I have tried over the years, with little success, to teach the goats to pick up after themselves.

Upon arriving home from some errands this morning, I discovered a recently opened peanut butter jar with several large scoops taken out surrounded on the counter by sprinkles of powdered sugar. When I asked my child, who had stayed home with a sore throat, to produce his peanut butter goo, he pulled it out from under his bed with a mystified expression. A little later, my search for the can opener ended when I found it on the counter with sweetened condensed milk dripping from it. When the sick child was asked for the sweetened condensed milk, he asked, "Are you psychic or something?"

I now find myself facing a dilemma, the consequences of which would be far reaching. It occurs to me that, if I point out to the children that they could get away with more stuff if they would only clean up the evidence, my house would be much neater. Though, would the clean house really be worth giving up my advantage? Am I really ready to give up my super powers?

Misadventures of More than Usual Confusion

As I sit reflecting on 2014, a year full of many adventures and misadventures, I am astonished to discover that my last blog entry was New Year's Eve 2013. In 2013, I wrote what was basically a top 13 of 2013, though, of course, it had a better name. I remember thinking at the time that, rather than reflect on the many failings of the year, reflecting on things learned throughout the year would be a fun tradition. Now I sit, at the end of a year that has taught me so much more than I ever wanted to learn, and words fail me.

What is causing this inexplicable writer's block? Were the lessons too hard-won? Is it still too raw to record? Maybe. I believe that the real reason is that, being truly insincere and deeply shallow, personal reflection doesn't come easily and this year's lessons don't fall into my usual flippant style. Still, having decided on this tradition on New Year's Eve last year, writing my life lessons will be the resolution that I keep. So, in no order of importance, here are the top 14 things that I learned in 2014:

14. The saying, "All's well that ends well," is a crock. I've used this analogy before, forgive me if this is a repeat. My thankfully short experience with cancer was rather like picking up a snow globe and shaking. You can shake the snow globe, then put it safely on the shelf and walk away, but the dust doesn't settle in the same way and the snow globe is changed.

13. Optimistic shoes rule!

12. Sometimes, it is just as well to take a wrong turn. The extra miles may be the most enjoyable.

11. (Learned on the same day as 12) Realize that when someone tells you that a hike is "not bad", the term is subjective.

10. My children were much more interesting to write about when they were little and I didn't understand the method behind their madness.

9. Though I miss my babies desperately, my children are turning into really incredible people. They are my best friends, my peers, my confidants; not in the "I want to be their BFF's" way, but in the "I enjoy their company, their thoughts, their insights" kind of way.

8. Coconut oil makes awesome cookies!

7. My panda has great potential as an Evil Scientist. She is so sweet that it is difficult to picture the diabolical plans lurking beneath the surface. Trust me, they're there.

6. Left-over pizza in the fridge is like balm to the soul after a hard night.

5. Mornings are more fun if you write a song to sing.

4. Don't send Daddy to buy the girls their delicates!!!!!

3. All never ending numbers are the same since infinity is infinite, but never ending 9's will get you there faster.

2. I like words so much that I have used pulling off a Band-Aid as an analogy for..... pulling off a Band-Aid.

1. Although I try to be fairly honest with my posts, sometimes the wording of things that I write gives a false impression of someone capable of dealing with things. I think that if my family and my Facebook friends ever started talking, they would all be very confused about who I am.

Here's to an awesome and funnier 2015!

Misadventures of Shattered Dreams

As I sit here enjoying my tradition of reflecting on the past year, missed opportunities, failed goals, misplaced dreams, I am filled with a familiar sense of  melancholy. That's right, Folks, Katie has blown another year. Still, my sense of complacency rises to my defense and reminds me of the many things that I have learned this year. So, in no particular order of importance, I give you the top 13 things that I have learned in 2013.

13. I'll start with the most serious, lengthy, and self promoting: I have a way with words. I'm not sure if it is a good way or a bad way as people just say, "You have such a way with words." This way with words has led me to another important discovery; I am a story teller NOT a writer. A few months ago, I tried to use my words to accomplish something. I networked, I pushed myself, and I dedicated myself to turning my blog into something that it isn't. While pushing for literary success, I realized that I was missing out on the daily misadventures that I most enjoy writing about.

12. Nothing inspires need in my family quite as effectively as sitting down to write a blog post or read a book.

11. I use a lot of words, like complacency, feeling that I have an understanding of their meaning. That feeling of understanding leaves me as soon as one of my children asks me what the word means.

10. Goes along with 11. TheFreeDictionary by Farlex is the BEST APP EVER! (Incidentally, complacency meant exactly what I wanted it to.)

9. Cake bites are not, in fact, delicious and more portable forms of cake. They should be eaten sitting down in a controlled environment. Especially if they happen to be Red Velvet cake bites and you happen to have light beige carpet.

8. Do not go to Bath and Body Works with a stuffy nose. You may be totally unaware of how awful your body wash smells until after you've been showering with it for days.

7. My bike can NOT turn both left and right at the same time. For this reason, it is important to decide which direction I want to go before I get to the turn and try to go both directions.

6. If you play fetch with a dinosaur, don't call it stupid! If you do, then you deserve what you get.

5. My children have complete faith in just one thing: A mother in possession of a clean kitchen floor must desperately want her children to bake something that involves Sweetened Condensed Milk and Powdered Sugar.

4. NEVER, EVER, EVER let the children transport colored Easter Eggs from one location to another. There are very few things more terrifying than climbing into the car in late August and having your four year old ask, "Where are the rest of the Easter Eggs?"

3. Although procrastination helped solve the problem of not wanting to dry my hair, it has never helped me with the problem of not wanting to wash the dishes or fold the laundry.

2. Like pulling a band aid or seeing the first scratch on a new car, it is best to break resolutions quickly. I try to break mine by 12:17 a.m. on New Year’s Day. This has spared me many months of stress and heartache. 

1. Although I usually enjoy the beat of my own drum, sometimes it is okay to be a cliché. What could be more cliché than using New Year's Eve to discover that self loathing and a strange sense of optimism are not mutually exclusive? Here's to a great New Year!

Misadventures of Mommy's Surprise

When the children sent me to my room this morning, it was with a heavy heart that I went. Now, don't get me wrong, usually getting sent to my room is the greatest of delights. So, what made this morning different? Well, it's my story, and I will tell you.




It all started with my road of good intentions. I had gone to the kitchen in search of an apple to start my healthy day. Today being Saturday, everyone was just loafing around without our usual hustle and bustle. When the children saw me, Austin suggested that I should return to my room and soon they would present me with a wonderful surprise. That is when the sinking feeling started. A wonderful surprise that I couldn't be witness to? That never ends well. I took my apple, a small portion of the healthy breakfast that I had intended, and slunk back to my room. I turned on the TV to try to mask the sounds of the mixer, the crazy giggling, the occasional outburst of, "Oh, No!", and my personal favorite, "Cooper, Get down". The TV turned out to be an ineffective diversion as Erika came in every 3 minutes to tell me that they were not making pie. What a relief! Except that I was pretty sure that she was not being entirely honest since I could hear an argument in the kitchen that sounded like this, "No, we can't make the pancakes. We'll have to make the pie".



After about 45 minutes, Austin came in to tell me that it would be at least another hour because the recipe said that the filling had to chill for an hour. Recipe? Chill? I was not aware of any pie recipe that would require chilling for which I had the ingredients. The sinking feeling was becoming more and more pronounced. Since my surprise wouldn't be ready in time to feed my starving body, I asked permission to go make my breakfast. Austin cheered right up and said he would get me some food. I thought I heard something about cooking broccoli as he walked down the hall. Good, the day would not descend into completely unhealthy eating. A few minutes later, Austin returned with what he called, "The Brigham Young University Power Drink". I think that this had more to do with the cup it was contained in than any actual affiliation with the school. I believe it consisted of milk, peanut butter, and a whole lot of Splenda. Trying to drink it through the crazy straw sticking out of the top was like trying to drink peanut butter through a crazy straw. It was sweet enough to power all of Brigham Young University. After the requisite "chilling hour", in which I did very little chilling, I was invited out to enjoy my surprise. What wasn't a surprise was what had filled me with unspoken dread, the mess that I found in my kitchen. Surprise, Mom!

And what delightful surprise had my children lovingly prepared for their favorite Mommy? Berry pie. The ingredients were: berries, Splenda, water, and ..... wait for it ..... butter, all topped with sheets of graham crackers. I confess that I was a little puzzled. I thought that he had said there was a recipe behind this project. When asked, Austin said that the recipe had come from the back of the Splenda bag. Thinking that the butter was probably supposed to be used with the graham crackers to make the crust, I read the recipe. There was no mention of butter anywhere. I wondered, out loud, why they had decided to put butter in what would otherwise have been a delightful berry blend. Austin said, "The recipe called for G-elatin (strong g). Isn't butter the same as G-elatin?" As I explained that gelatin was what Jell-O is made from and doesn't really have a lot in common with butter, Austin expressed the same sad conclusion that was racing through my mind, "That's the trouble with trying a new recipe without Mom's help".

As unsurprising as the messy kitchen was, equally unsurprising was the speed with which the children disappeared when called on to clean it up. Although my Mommyhood did compel me to eat some of the buttery, berry pie, it didn't compel me to clean the mess up alone. So fueling up on some of that good BYU power drink, we surprised each other with how quickly the kitchen could be cleaned if we worked together.

Misadventures Of Five Minute Friday........ Imagine

I pull out of our space station. The roller coaster that I'm driving is pink for my oldest daughter, green for me, purple and yellow for the two youngest, and a rocket ship for the oldest because he doesn't like roller coasters. My four year old gravely informs me that ALL of our Pegasuses (Pegasuses?) are tied to the back of the car. Erika jumps in to correct him. There is no way that all 99 could be tied up, we had to leave some home. "Mom," she says, inviting me in to the game, "You have two Pegasuses. Their names are Glinda and Elphaba. Elphaba is green with a black mane and tail." I asked if she could have a purple star on the bum like A My Little Pony. "Yeth, she does. And Glinda is white and has a pink mane and tail." Of course, I had to give Glinda a pony mark; she got a sparkly, sky blue heart on her bum. Later, as we sat at a red light, we talked about how fun it would be if our Pegasuses would just lift us out of traffic and fly us where we want (never say "need") to go.
Imagine that!