Thursday, September 1, 2016

Misadventures of .... You think that I'm an Evil What?!

On lengthy (anything over 23 minutes) car rides, the children and I enjoy listening to audiobooks. However, on short rides, when we're just buzzing around town or driving carpool, we like to listen to comedy. Our favorites are Smothers Brothers, Bill Cosby (Is it politically incorrect to listen to him these days?), Abbott and Costello, and,of course, Weird Al. Our current carpool album is called, Average Anthems, by Dustin and Genevieve Ahkuoi. Our favorite song on the album is, Tap That (Snooze). It is a song about, Duh, the joys of hitting the snooze button. Some of the lyrics are:

"I'm gonna tap that snooze, because it keeps my dreams alive. Yeah, I'm gonna tap that snooze when I pry open my crusty eyes. It's the only thing I love, when that evil alarm freakin' wakes me up. I'm gonna tap that snooze 'cause that extra five gives me life"


"S-N-Double O-Z-E. Wake up in the morning feelin' poopy. S-N-Double O-Z-E. You know you're the one for me."

When listening to this song a few days ago, Nicole looked at me and said, "Now you know how we feel when you come in and wake us up in the morning." I confess that I was stunned silent for several seconds while thoughts raced around my little mind. How could she possibly say that to me?! How could I have raised such a clueless child?! Is she really so lacking in empathy that she doesn't know that, 17 seconds before I'm in waking her up, I have just used the strongest language that I know to chastise my own alarm after "Tapping that Snooze" for at least a half hour?! Despair and anger battle in my heart. 

Thankfully, my complacency, once again, rose to my aid when I remembered the transformation that I go through in that 17 seconds. In the time it takes me to climb from bed and cross the hall, I go from disgusted grumbling and, I'm ashamed to admit, some name calling directed at my alarm to smiling and singing a good morning song. I haven't raised completely apathetic children, I'm just a really good actress. I sure wish that someone would tell my high school drama teacher how very convincing I can be!

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Misadventures of Is It Really Better Late Than Never?

As 2015 draws to a close.......Okay, who am I kidding? I may want people to believe that I started this post in a timely manner, but I didn't. Though I've been trying to write it for about 2 months now, it was all in my head and I didn't start typing until January 31, 2016.

At the end of 2013, my epic (and somewhat typical) failure to reach any of my goals, started me on a new path. I decided that, instead of forming new goals for the next year, I would reflect on lessons learned during the year. So, in no particular order of importance, here are the top 15 lessons learned in 2015:

15. This will probably feel like a cheat, but it is my list and my rules. It was easier to come up with 13 lessons in 2013 than it is to come up with 15 lessons in 2015. There are a lot of factors that figure into that beyond basic, first-grade math. Yes, 15 is more than 13, but there are other reasons.

14. Timehop (and now facebook's Your Memories) provides a great way to remember all of those misadventures that you thought, "Someday I'll look back at this and laugh," but never remembered to laugh at.

13. Having a 15-year-old (think age 15, not the passage of 15 years) longing come true is awesome.

12. Writing was much more enjoyable when I didn't need to worry about the censors crying, Child Shaming! Having young children is tough, but you are allowed more fun in the telling.

11. Even if you need to get more steps into your day, walking to the gas station to fill up the car is still a bad idea.

10. Cupcake Wars is a great way to inspire children to take up baking.

9. Having baking children in the house is a great way to increase your waist size.

8. Memory foam mattresses are not bouncy! It is very funny watching a young child try to dive head first onto one.

7. My children think that I'm really old, seeing as they think 74 BC was back in the 1990's or some other time Before Computers.

6. Cooking food burns all of the calories, making exercise superfluous.

5. Shifting your focus changes the whole picture.

4. My house is not conducive to the collection of Sunrises and Sunsets.

3. I’m not quick enough to learn new games. The new game systems are far too complex for me. I spent the whole playing time either looking at the ground or looking at the ceiling. Give me a good ol’ 2 dimensional Tetris any day!

2. My children, who will question the validity of everything that I tell them, have full confidence that I know the exact temperature, why a friend was gone from school, or when the mailman will arrive.

1. Now that I have a teenager (and a want-to-be, who still has a couple of years to wait) in the house, someone else has all knowledge and it is no longer necessary or reasonable to expect me to learn anything.