Misadventures of More than Usual Confusion

As I sit reflecting on 2014, a year full of many adventures and misadventures, I am astonished to discover that my last blog entry was New Year's Eve 2013. In 2013, I wrote what was basically a top 13 of 2013, though, of course, it had a better name. I remember thinking at the time that, rather than reflect on the many failings of the year, reflecting on things learned throughout the year would be a fun tradition. Now I sit, at the end of a year that has taught me so much more than I ever wanted to learn, and words fail me.

What is causing this inexplicable writer's block? Were the lessons too hard-won? Is it still too raw to record? Maybe. I believe that the real reason is that, being truly insincere and deeply shallow, personal reflection doesn't come easily and this year's lessons don't fall into my usual flippant style. Still, having decided on this tradition on New Year's Eve last year, writing my life lessons will be the resolution that I keep. So, in no order of importance, here are the top 14 things that I learned in 2014:

14. The saying, "All's well that ends well," is a crock. I've used this analogy before, forgive me if this is a repeat. My thankfully short experience with cancer was rather like picking up a snow globe and shaking. You can shake the snow globe, then put it safely on the shelf and walk away, but the dust doesn't settle in the same way and the snow globe is changed.

13. Optimistic shoes rule!

12. Sometimes, it is just as well to take a wrong turn. The extra miles may be the most enjoyable.

11. (Learned on the same day as 12) Realize that when someone tells you that a hike is "not bad", the term is subjective.

10. My children were much more interesting to write about when they were little and I didn't understand the method behind their madness.

9. Though I miss my babies desperately, my children are turning into really incredible people. They are my best friends, my peers, my confidants; not in the "I want to be their BFF's" way, but in the "I enjoy their company, their thoughts, their insights" kind of way.

8. Coconut oil makes awesome cookies!

7. My panda has great potential as an Evil Scientist. She is so sweet that it is difficult to picture the diabolical plans lurking beneath the surface. Trust me, they're there.

6. Left-over pizza in the fridge is like balm to the soul after a hard night.

5. Mornings are more fun if you write a song to sing.

4. Don't send Daddy to buy the girls their delicates!!!!!

3. All never ending numbers are the same since infinity is infinite, but never ending 9's will get you there faster.

2. I like words so much that I have used pulling off a Band-Aid as an analogy for..... pulling off a Band-Aid.

1. Although I try to be fairly honest with my posts, sometimes the wording of things that I write gives a false impression of someone capable of dealing with things. I think that if my family and my Facebook friends ever started talking, they would all be very confused about who I am.

Here's to an awesome and funnier 2015!

Misadventures of Shattered Dreams

As I sit here enjoying my tradition of reflecting on the past year, missed opportunities, failed goals, misplaced dreams, I am filled with a familiar sense of  melancholy. That's right, Folks, Katie has blown another year. Still, my sense of complacency rises to my defense and reminds me of the many things that I have learned this year. So, in no particular order of importance, I give you the top 13 things that I have learned in 2013.

13. I'll start with the most serious, lengthy, and self promoting: I have a way with words. I'm not sure if it is a good way or a bad way as people just say, "You have such a way with words." This way with words has led me to another important discovery; I am a story teller NOT a writer. A few months ago, I tried to use my words to accomplish something. I networked, I pushed myself, and I dedicated myself to turning my blog into something that it isn't. While pushing for literary success, I realized that I was missing out on the daily misadventures that I most enjoy writing about.

12. Nothing inspires need in my family quite as effectively as sitting down to write a blog post or read a book.

11. I use a lot of words, like complacency, feeling that I have an understanding of their meaning. That feeling of understanding leaves me as soon as one of my children asks me what the word means.

10. Goes along with 11. TheFreeDictionary by Farlex is the BEST APP EVER! (Incidentally, complacency meant exactly what I wanted it to.)

9. Cake bites are not, in fact, delicious and more portable forms of cake. They should be eaten sitting down in a controlled environment. Especially if they happen to be Red Velvet cake bites and you happen to have light beige carpet.

8. Do not go to Bath and Body Works with a stuffy nose. You may be totally unaware of how awful your body wash smells until after you've been showering with it for days.

7. My bike can NOT turn both left and right at the same time. For this reason, it is important to decide which direction I want to go before I get to the turn and try to go both directions.

6. If you play fetch with a dinosaur, don't call it stupid! If you do, then you deserve what you get.

5. My children have complete faith in just one thing: A mother in possession of a clean kitchen floor must desperately want her children to bake something that involves Sweetened Condensed Milk and Powdered Sugar.

4. NEVER, EVER, EVER let the children transport colored Easter Eggs from one location to another. There are very few things more terrifying than climbing into the car in late August and having your four year old ask, "Where are the rest of the Easter Eggs?"

3. Although procrastination helped solve the problem of not wanting to dry my hair, it has never helped me with the problem of not wanting to wash the dishes or fold the laundry.

2. Like pulling a band aid or seeing the first scratch on a new car, it is best to break resolutions quickly. I try to break mine by 12:17 a.m. on New Year’s Day. This has spared me many months of stress and heartache. 

1. Although I usually enjoy the beat of my own drum, sometimes it is okay to be a cliché. What could be more cliché than using New Year's Eve to discover that self loathing and a strange sense of optimism are not mutually exclusive? Here's to a great New Year!

Misadventures of Mommy's Surprise

When the children sent me to my room this morning, it was with a heavy heart that I went. Now, don't get me wrong, usually getting sent to my room is the greatest of delights. So, what made this morning different? Well, it's my story, and I will tell you.




It all started with my road of good intentions. I had gone to the kitchen in search of an apple to start my healthy day. Today being Saturday, everyone was just loafing around without our usual hustle and bustle. When the children saw me, Austin suggested that I should return to my room and soon they would present me with a wonderful surprise. That is when the sinking feeling started. A wonderful surprise that I couldn't be witness to? That never ends well. I took my apple, a small portion of the healthy breakfast that I had intended, and slunk back to my room. I turned on the TV to try to mask the sounds of the mixer, the crazy giggling, the occasional outburst of, "Oh, No!", and my personal favorite, "Cooper, Get down". The TV turned out to be an ineffective diversion as Erika came in every 3 minutes to tell me that they were not making pie. What a relief! Except that I was pretty sure that she was not being entirely honest since I could hear an argument in the kitchen that sounded like this, "No, we can't make the pancakes. We'll have to make the pie".



After about 45 minutes, Austin came in to tell me that it would be at least another hour because the recipe said that the filling had to chill for an hour. Recipe? Chill? I was not aware of any pie recipe that would require chilling for which I had the ingredients. The sinking feeling was becoming more and more pronounced. Since my surprise wouldn't be ready in time to feed my starving body, I asked permission to go make my breakfast. Austin cheered right up and said he would get me some food. I thought I heard something about cooking broccoli as he walked down the hall. Good, the day would not descend into completely unhealthy eating. A few minutes later, Austin returned with what he called, "The Brigham Young University Power Drink". I think that this had more to do with the cup it was contained in than any actual affiliation with the school. I believe it consisted of milk, peanut butter, and a whole lot of Splenda. Trying to drink it through the crazy straw sticking out of the top was like trying to drink peanut butter through a crazy straw. It was sweet enough to power all of Brigham Young University. After the requisite "chilling hour", in which I did very little chilling, I was invited out to enjoy my surprise. What wasn't a surprise was what had filled me with unspoken dread, the mess that I found in my kitchen. Surprise, Mom!

And what delightful surprise had my children lovingly prepared for their favorite Mommy? Berry pie. The ingredients were: berries, Splenda, water, and ..... wait for it ..... butter, all topped with sheets of graham crackers. I confess that I was a little puzzled. I thought that he had said there was a recipe behind this project. When asked, Austin said that the recipe had come from the back of the Splenda bag. Thinking that the butter was probably supposed to be used with the graham crackers to make the crust, I read the recipe. There was no mention of butter anywhere. I wondered, out loud, why they had decided to put butter in what would otherwise have been a delightful berry blend. Austin said, "The recipe called for G-elatin (strong g). Isn't butter the same as G-elatin?" As I explained that gelatin was what Jell-O is made from and doesn't really have a lot in common with butter, Austin expressed the same sad conclusion that was racing through my mind, "That's the trouble with trying a new recipe without Mom's help".

As unsurprising as the messy kitchen was, equally unsurprising was the speed with which the children disappeared when called on to clean it up. Although my Mommyhood did compel me to eat some of the buttery, berry pie, it didn't compel me to clean the mess up alone. So fueling up on some of that good BYU power drink, we surprised each other with how quickly the kitchen could be cleaned if we worked together.

Misadventures Of Five Minute Friday........ Imagine

I pull out of our space station. The roller coaster that I'm driving is pink for my oldest daughter, green for me, purple and yellow for the two youngest, and a rocket ship for the oldest because he doesn't like roller coasters. My four year old gravely informs me that ALL of our Pegasuses (Pegasuses?) are tied to the back of the car. Erika jumps in to correct him. There is no way that all 99 could be tied up, we had to leave some home. "Mom," she says, inviting me in to the game, "You have two Pegasuses. Their names are Glinda and Elphaba. Elphaba is green with a black mane and tail." I asked if she could have a purple star on the bum like A My Little Pony. "Yeth, she does. And Glinda is white and has a pink mane and tail." Of course, I had to give Glinda a pony mark; she got a sparkly, sky blue heart on her bum. Later, as we sat at a red light, we talked about how fun it would be if our Pegasuses would just lift us out of traffic and fly us where we want (never say "need") to go.
Imagine that!

Misadventures of.... 5 minute Friday

View: "But I don't want to exercise!" Cricket screamed, stomping her foot. You would think that my inner voice would sound a little more mature than my 6 year old, but it seldom does. So much of my day is spent arguing with myself over things that I don't want to do, or arguing with my children over things that they don't want to do, or stressing over the things that no one wants to do but we have to do anyway. It was one of those days. Running from one thing to the next; never stopping to enjoy the current activity, just worrying over the next thing that would come up. How will I make it to all of the places I need to be? What will I do? If I could only have some time..... At 11:55, I sit here reflecting on my rear view mirror. Austin was so happy to show me around the county fair at school. Erika and Nicole laughed and laughed when I told them about how their uncles used to tease! And my day started with a good, long 'nuggle with my "baby". Thank goodness that hindsight isn't 20/20, I often find that my day was much nicer when looked at in the rear view mirror.

Misadventures of Lessons Taught

Teaching moments seem to be all around us. I didn't realize that we were having a great teaching moment this morning until I heard Alex chanting, "Keep your eye on the prize. Keep your eye on the prize."


Is Alex training for a marathon? Working towards his black belt? No! He is perfecting the great art of jumping from a bar stool, catching a balloon, and landing on my bed. Teaching him the best way to jump on the bed is probably not my finest parenting moment. I am, however, rather proud of the "Eye on the prize" bit. How did that little nugget of wisdom come about? He was telling me that he could get the balloon if he just kept looking at it. I agreed, "You can do it if you just keep your eye on the prize."

That casual comment has given him a new life affirmation. Okay, maybe not, but he is going to be the best little balloon catcher that this house has ever seen.

Misadventures of Animal Passion

Over the years, we have had many tucking in rituals. They are constantly evolving, causing me to look back and wonder, "What happened to.....?"   I digress. Today I am thinking of a specific tuck-in ritual.   Every night, after Alex says his prayers, I tuck him in with his special blankets. I then get a kiss and a hug, followed by putting love in the ear. This is achieved by whispering, "I love you!" in each other’s ears. There is a catch, though. It needs to be done simultaneously or it doesn't count. After that I tickle his forehead and bonk his nose. Then I say, "Tell me who loves you." Alex responds, "I love you and you love Me." and I say, "So much in love with us are we that you can kiss you and I can kiss me!" Alex corrects me with, "I can kiss you and you can kiss me!"After this declaration, I ask the very important question, "But who will kiss Flippered Alex?"   Who is Flippered Alex? You ask. Flippered Alex is the stuffed penguin that Alex got in San Diego last summer. We love Flippered Alex very much, but he has one flaw. That flaw keeps him from ever being kissed goodnight. After I ask my question, Alex always answers, "No one can kiss Flippered Alex because he has PENGUIN LIPS!" Evidently, PENGUIN LIPS are terrible things to have and are considered to be very contagious through kissing. Flippered Alex usually has to settle for a hug and a pat on the head before he is tucked in, too. Sometimes I try to sneak a kiss, but Alex always covers my mouth with a very stern, "No, Mom!" Last night, when I tried to get a kiss from Flippered Alex, Alex looked at me and his stuffed penguin and said, "Will you two cut it out?!" I don't think that I've heard that since Rick and I were dating.